People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
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So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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