none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
