did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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