yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
