Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
