just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
