Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
