someone threw a dead crab at me
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
