One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
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Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
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Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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