Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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