gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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