my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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