I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
