i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Randomize
