Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
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