I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
