He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
