ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
