Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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