That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
