I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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