what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
