I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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