Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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