She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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