Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
