I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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