i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
