How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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