I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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