I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
