How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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