My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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