Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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