It was confusing and full of hummus
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
a search helicopter?!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
