I should be sponsored by Trojan
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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