Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
