Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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