she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Sober January is a disaster.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
