life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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