i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
