I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
