would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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