People in love make me want to vomit
handjob tips. give me some.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
