i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
There are leaves in my underwear?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
