Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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