glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
