Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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