Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
