i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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