i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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