did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
