I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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