I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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