i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
