i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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