Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
