It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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