Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
